What gets me hot

CuriousCat is a social media platform where followers can ask anonymous questions. I’ve had some good ones lately and wanted to use my answers to create more website posts.

A question that came through recently was,

What sexually gets you off the most?


I found myself initially not wanting to answer, since I try to make my service more about what gets my clients off sexually rather than me. But I also recognise that it’s important for my clients to know that they turn me on as well.

Before I crack into my answer, which I know you’re waiting for, it’s worth taking a moment to acknowledge that there are MANY MANY MANY things that turn me on, just as there is more than one act or situation that turns you or anyone else on. But we all have things that stand out, and this is mine. Not every partner is going to be able to deliver, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make anyone deficient, and everyone has something special and unique to offer.

So, without any further fluffing about, here’s my answer:

The biggest turn-on for me is being with a partner who is unashamedly sexually expressive in their own personal style.

Confidence, even if you’re shy

It really gets me hot when my partner(s) are confident in their sexuality and don’t hesitate to express it, because that in turn allows me to do the same. For that reason, when I’m with clients, I try to be that person for them, inasmuch as I sense they can handle that idea! I might hold back a bit if I sense that they may feel overwhelmed by that level of assertiveness.

Even with someone who is less self-confident or just straight up shy, it’s still possible to be confident with that. Sound contradictory? Not if you think about it.

If you know you’re shy, you can learn to use that to your advantage and build it into your sexuality.

Communication is FUCKING SEXY

Partners who are more shy can usually reduce their shyness if they like by learning to communicate in the lead-up. The simple act of discussing boundaries and needs naturally makes room for more confidence, which is part of why I am careful to discuss things beforehand. It helps both/all of us to be ‘in the moment’ when the time comes.

Flirting and build-up is also super super sexy for me, and makes the eventual release of that tension all the more satisfying. Discussing needs and boundaries can be part of this.

Discussion in foreplay both build tension and builds confidence. That’s why I love foreplay so much – that is, the conversation (which can be delightfully and playfully explicit) along with some snacks and water so we have the energy to play. Primary needs first!

That playful conversation can also weave in boundaries and consent, and when that is all totally clear I find that I can relax a LOT more because I feel confident that we understand each other.

With that confidence, the unashamed individual sexual expression I’m talking about naturally follows.

Within the range of that expression, I don’t find that I have specific acts that get me off. By leaving things open and letting myself and my partner(s) ‘go with the flow’ during our play, I am often surprised by things getting me off that I didn’t expect (and could never have expected).

A menu, not a prescription

So, I don’t think going into a play session with specific, pre-set notions of what is going to get me off is ultimately useful. Having a list of likes and preferences is great, but I’ve always believed it should be a menu, not a prescription—you pick what you like at the time, rather than following a set of instructions.

At the same time, through foreplay-discussion with my partner(s), we may agree on specific acts. But again, I don’t go into the foreplay-discussion with pre-set notions; I seek to find out what naturally arises at the time and in the moment of discussion.

So, to sum up: what sexually gets me off the most is being in a state of relaxed confidence because I know my partner(s) and I understand each other intimately.

I’m grateful for this question! I appreciate my clients taking a genuine interest in my own pleasure as well as theirs. :-*

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