A Testimonial from Kit B

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Several sex worker colleagues have booked me for my services as a male escort, which I have both been really honoured by, and thoroughly enjoyed. Sex workers are necessarily excellent communicators, and don’t shy away from saying exactly what they want & don’t want. This makes it extremely easy to provide my services for them in a way that I know they will enjoy. It makes me feel confident going into the booking because I know what I’m doing.

It also allows me to improvise and build off their requests because I know where the boundaries are. I can add novelty and a few surprising twists, knowing that I am still respecting their wishes & boundaries.

I try to encourage all of my clients to be clear with their boundaries & communication for these reasons.

Kit, in particular, was exemplary with her pre-booking comms. It was an absolute joy to discuss with her what she was looking for in her experience, and if I felt a little nervous as I arrived and set up, it was only because I am an admirer Kit’s online presence – she is articulate, very well-read, highly intelligent & fiercely dedicated.

It’s worth adding that even if you are not so confident or practised in communicating your needs & wants, I am getting better all the time at judging what they are when I meet you and adapting as we go; and, if I am feeling unsure, I will ask you some simple questions, always without judgement, to find out if I am on the right track. As always, you are in total control of what happens and doesn’t happen, at all times.

Here’s what Kit said about my service:

I booked Harley for a 4 hour session in 2018. Harley was very thoughtful throughout the booking process, he asked a lot of questions to make sure he understood what I wanted (I came to him with a specific fantasy) and made me feel very comfortable.

In the booking this same feeling of comfort continued. It can be scary to ask a total stranger to come to your place and have sex, but throughout the entire booking Harley made me feel safe, secure and desired. Harley is not only totally gorgeous but really fun to chat with.

The whole evening was so much fun. I am also a sex worker and really wanted a sexual experience that was indulgent and focused on me. Harley did this perfectly. It felt like the best gift I could possibly give myself.

by Kit Bauer @foodsexwater

https://twitter.com/foodsexwater (currently on hiatus)

The Importance (or not) of orgasms

orgasm face

Last week I posted a poll to Twitter and asked about how important it is for women to have an orgasm during sex:

Nearly a thousand owners of vulvae voted, and a discussion thread thirty replies long ensued. After a while, a few common themes emerged.

Generally, orgasms are not absolutely essential but are definitely preferable; more important seems to be enjoyable sex, and/or the personal connection.

On the essential side, one commenter said, “If you get yours and I don’t get mine I’m gonna be pissed.” Another said, “tbh if after 3-5 fucks I still haven’t cum once, I’m probably moving on.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ” Equality, it seems, is just as important with orgasms as with anything else!

Specifically, I took away three main points:

First – “It depends.”

Sometimes you want to cum hard and often. Other times you don’t want to cum at all, and it might even be preferable to be held on the edge of orgasm for as long as possible. ‘Edging’ is a thing, after all.

For some, it depends on whom they are with. For many sex workers it was not important at all to orgasm with clients, though some will fake it to please their clients. At the same time it tended to be somewhat more important when those same sex workers were with personal-life lovers.

For still others, orgasms are so intense that they can be tiring, and thus cumming to often means having to stop the fun.

Second – Go to the source.

Women & vulva-owners are much better at making themselves orgasm than their lovers. This is probably a simple result of you knowing your body and how it feels better than anyone else. It reinforces the idea that if you want to know how to please someone, ask them how.

There is a lot of variety in experience and opinion out there, though, as you might expect. Other women talked about orgasms being essential, and in some case if they don’t cum they experience pain akin to what men and penis-owners call “blue-balls.”

Third – Orgasm does not always equal pleasure

One person sent me a direct message with a linked article that described how sometimes arousal and orgasm are purely physical, reflex responses, even when a woman is not emotionally or mentally enjoying the encounter. In fact, in some cases of sexual assault & rape, the woman experienced an orgasm, which can be intensely confusing. It goes without saying, though, that this in no way legitimises the assault, and a conscious “no” must always be respected.

Several people commented that an orgasm is not the finish of sex and should not necessarily mark the close of sexual intimacy. For men especially it sounds like there is a semi-cultural expectation that when the penis-owner is finished with their climax, it’s all over. We were reminded that intimacy is not contingent on an erect penis being in-play, and that stimulation of the other partner(s) can still continue. Plus there can still be other acts of a sexual or intimate nature to share, such as massages, cuddling and stroking, or even just talking about the sex you just had to keep the mood elevated.

Further notes on ‘Le Petit Mort’

I’d like to take a minute here to point you, dear reader, to the amazing website “Beautiful Agony.” Users just like you record themselves self-pleasuring and upload the videos – showing only their faces – for your viewing. If you want to know what it looks like when someone cums, this will provide your answers.

Third – Orgasms are awesome, and pretty much everyone agrees. But more important to vulva-owners is the connection between them and their funtime partners.


My orgasm takeaway

A word cloud including the most common words used in replying to my tweets about oral sex.

So what did I learn about orgasm from this discussion? Probably the most important lesson, while obvious, arguably doesn’t happen enough.

Communicate. There is so much variety not just to anatomy, but more importantly to preference, desire, and need. A frank chat about what works for one person will go differently to a similar chat with someone else. Even if it’s someone you know, asking them “how do you feel today?” might open a brief exchange about what that person needs to orgasm in that moment – or even if they want to orgasm at all.

Thus informed, there is a much, much greater chance that everyone will be all happy & orgasmic.

Let’s start at the very beginning

A very good place to start.

One of the most common questions I get asked is, how did you get started as a male escort for women? Why do you do it?

Which makes sense. Not many men are escorts. LOTS of women are. There is a huge demand among men for sex workers of all genders; not so much among women. The reasons for that, I’ll get into in another post.

I suspect that there are more men who fantasise about being an escort than there are women who would hire one!

A halted start

I had a very brief foray into escorting in 2010 while living in Vancouver. I had just been fired from my first job at a bar on Granville Street, and I thought, hell, why not? I could easily get another bar job, but why not try something new? I enjoy pleasuring women and I thought I had a fairly decent idea of what it took to please one.

I signed up to a website (no longer around) called Knights International. About 20 other guys were also on it from across Canada. After two weeks I had my first enquiry: a woman wanted to fly me to Calgary to go to a concert with her. At around the same time I started dating a local woman and decided to focus on that budding relationship, and I’m glad I did. However, she wasn’t into the idea of me being an escort at the same time, so I let that slide. The relationship was more important to me.

Other repsonsibilities

In early 2012 I moved to Melbourne. I made an incredible bunch of friends, a few of whom were sex workers. I was very curious about their work, but I also had a very public-facing daytime job that I loved, so I didn’t bother thinking about it too deeply.

But it stayed at the back of my mind. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t start then, because I don’t think I really had enough maturity to be a good male escort for women. I still had a bit of soul-work to do.

Finally the time is right

In late 2015 I began semi-regularly seeing a friend as a lover, and in early 2017 she let me know she had been escorting for over a year. She was also a successful industrial psychologist. I was really curious about her sex work, and shared my Vancouver story. She said I would be a great male escort for women, and I realised that I had no reason to hold back any more. If she could balance being a psychologist with being an escort, then surely I could balance my regular work with sex work.

She helped me to get started. Another friend, a professional photographer, did me a great deal on some awesome photos (the ones on this site) to start off. I put up a profile on ScarletBlue, opened a new Twitter profile, and away we went.

A (very) slow start

In the beginning I presented as bisexual and available for men, too. It took about a week to get my first inquiry, from a man who wanted to set up a role play where I would be introduced as a business colleague to his boyfriend, and the client would then seduce me for his boyfriend’s pleasure. However, when I requested photo ID as part of my screening process, he ghosted. I decided to review my screening process to be less invasive but still effective.

I then had a few more inquiries from men, but they were all vague and in one case rude. I also realised I didn’t really need the money from seeing men, plus to be honest I didn’t feel ready for it. I decided to focus my energy and attention solely on women. I made the switch to being available only for women and couples, as my business strategy.

A couple from Darwin contacted me and set up a date during a trip to Melbourne.They were clearly very much in love with each other, and just wanted to try something new after 25 years of marriage. They attempted to make a deposit, but my system for anonymised deposits was not yet tested and it didn’t work. Then they had to pull out of the trip to Melbourne due to an event back in Darwin and the whole thing fell through. They were incredibly sweet about it though, and even sent me a photo of the two of them.

So close!

In the meantime, I networked with a few sex workers through Twitter. I reached out to a couple of other male escorts for women in Australia and they were very supportive. I got some great advice. A female client of male escorts in Brisbane also got in touch and we had an amazing conversation about what female clients are looking for. I wish she and I had met in person, she sounded rad.

The first real, paid booking

One of the female sex workers I met through Twitter agreed to meet me for a coffee in Kensington, and we had a deeply satisfying caffeine-fuelled conversation about the industry she had been in for eight years. She also attempted to set me up with a client couple, which sadly didn’t turn out.

Nevertheless, she herself decided to treat herself to one of my Sensory Awakening massages, and became my first paying client. I was pretty nervous but also super excited to see her. I think that in part I was nervous because she was a sex worker herself and I thought she would be unavoidably critical if I wasn’t very good. But I sucked it up and gave the best I could.

There was no intercourse, but I ended up giving her toned muscular body a full hour of exploratory, slow, hands-on massage before getting her off with my hands, and then my tongue. It was bliss. I felt like I had found my calling. Her whole body was gripping my fingers, and I was like, THIS IS AWESOME. And then I actually got PAID to have all this fun! It blew my mind.

The first organic booking

It wasn’t until I was back in Christchurch at the beginning of 2018 that I completed my first full service booking. A woman flew across from Melbourne and booked me for an entire 48 hours as a treat and a break from the norm for herself.

We hired a car, booked an AirBnB in a seaside town, went kayaking with blue penguins, and I cooked us a three course meal which we ate at sunset overlooking the harbour. We took an outdoor bath together, I gave her one of my slow exploratory massages, and we banged each other silly in between hand-holding strolls, morning cuddles, a French restaurant dinner, and intimate chats.

It was an amazing weekend which netted me $1500, equivalent to two weeks’ gross income in my usual day job. She had a brilliant time and was very grateful for the whole experience.

I, meanwhile, was completely hooked. You mean to tell me I can make someone feel really good, which makes me feel really good, have a wonderful shared experience, and earn bank at the same time? Mind. Blown.

I now have a profile up on NZ Pleasures for New Zealand (where I periodically tour), and Tryst for Australia. Clients are either finding me through there, through a simple Google search, or by way of my Twitter.

So, that’s how I started. If you’re interested in who I am, click here.

Okay, but why?

You’re right, it’s kind of risky. I still have a day job, and if they were ever to find out about my side gig I would absolutely 100% get fired. And Christchurch is not exactly a big place; news travels fast, here.

But I know of other sex workers who are far, far more busy than me and still successfully manage their anonymity. I held back for years because I was terrified of getting busted and never working again – and I love my day job and I’m not leaving it. Make no mistake.

So I saw those others managing it just fine, and I thought: I can totally do it. If they can, I can. All I have to do is not be a complete knucklehead about it – just manage the risk. To this day, it’s so far, so good.

Other than that, I decided to become an escort for three more reasons: activism, efficiency, and fun.

The sexual activist

The activism part is kind of a reactionary response to what I notice about how women’s sexuality gets treated in our modern Western-descended Judeo-Christian culture. Men basically can do whatever the hell they want – sometimes forcing their wants and needs onto women. Not sure if you agree? Read this for a stark reality-check: The female price of male pleasure” by Lili Loofbourow on The Week.

I don’t think that’s fair, and I want women to know – and experience – that there are men around who will focus on them and their needs. Too many men are selfish and self-absorbed, and I feel like I am somehow redressing that balance on a local scale.

Here’s the thing: I abso-fucking-lutely love it when I am able to watch a woman become one with her sexual self, and let go into an experience of bliss. I love seeing a woman feel special, and empowered by that feeling. That is not really possible unless she feels physically safe & secure, comfortable, and relaxed. She won’t feel that way if the man she is with is being selfish or self-absorbed. It’s just. Not. Possible. It’s simple physics; it’s math. It is just how things work. Safety & security first, at all times.

So, I love being able to get a woman to that place, where she feels able to open up and surrender to pleasure – a pleasure that she defines, wants, and seeks. For this reason I talk extensively with my clients in the lead-up to their bookings. The more at ease and heard I can allow my clients to feel, the more they are likely to reach that state of bliss.

This is all part of my version of ‘activism.’

Similarly, for couples, my aim is to be a foil for their relationship. I aim to make them more desirable to each other, never to get in the way. I have met so many people in committed long term relationships who adore their partners so much that they simply love witnessing them having fun. They like to play together. And sex, for adults, is play.

I honestly believe that I am empowering my clients, and I make it my mission to do this. I see it as something of a responsibility to use my position of privilege to empower others.

Energy efficiency

My per-hour income as a male escort for women and couples completely eclipses my income in my regular job. For the amount of time and effort, the reward is quite satisfying. I am leveraging my time much better in this work than I ever did in any other job.

It’s worth keeping in mind, though, that I have earned this pay bracket. I’m more mature now than I have ever been, and I believe the most valuable thing I bring to my work is exactly this maturity. I’ve spent decades working hard to get to where I am now – emotionally stable, confident, and experienced – and I am damn well worth what I earn. I’ve been through life’s wringer several times, and each time I have crawled back up from rock-bottom and become more resilient, more empathetic, and more aware of myself and others than ever before.

I’m also smart, healthy, and caring. I care about my own health and I see what it affords me; and therefore I care about the health of others – your physical, psychological, and emotional health.

The result is that I am now stable and secure enough in myself that I can afford to focus on others, their needs, and their expression.

How do you place a dollar value on that?

Ye holy Gods, I am having FUN

I *LOVE* this job. Not only do I get to have awesome sexy funtimes and get paid to do it, but I have had some truly incredible moments with my clients that have enriched my life and make me feel deeply like I am contributing to a better world. I’ve tenderly guided three women so far through losing their virginities. I’ve helped a woman who was previously in an abusive relationship to feel safe, and sexy, with a man again. I’ve helped an engaged couple to overcome their perceptions of tradition and repression to find a sexual expression that fits their idea of what a ‘relationship’ should look and feel like. And I’ve played with other sex workers, allowing them to be the client and to make all the decisions about what happens, so that it was all about them and what they wanted, not the other way around.

All this and so much more.

Sexual connection is a fundamentally human activity. Intimacy and closeness are how we are created, how we mature, and how we as adults define and redefine “play.”

I love nothing more than seeing the look on someone’s face as they fully enjoy themselves. I get a chance to celebrate human sexual expression in all its forms. Sometimes I don’t really ‘get’ what someone is into, but I’m still like, “really? That works for you? Wow! You go, you! Woooo!”

I believe it is meant to be fun. If it’s not fun, it’s probably time to try something else.

Novelty is the key to growth.

— oh! Before I forget, I promised you all some cats. Here you go. 🙂

Image result for cats